Aimee Cote Therapy

Finding Balance in your relationships
Family

Why we should stop blaming "inconsistent parenting" for those epic meltdowns

Many psychologists and parenting experts point to inconsistent parenting as the cause of kids' explosive behavior. I'm talking about major explosions that may include violence toward parents, siblings, or even the self. It's behavior that can eventually result in a diagnosis of oppositional defiance disorder (ODD is really problematic as a diagnosis, but I'll discuss that later). 

 Regarding the explosions, practitioners may confidently declare parents - especially the parent in front of them, usually mom - to be The Cause. The solution is to be "more consistent", regardless of the circumstances parents may find themselves in. The parenting plan probably entails defining rules and expectations, along with rewards and consequences, and enforcing them at all times. Sounds reaonable, right? 

Except that often this approach doesn't work. In fact, I haven't spoken to a single parent who has reported that consistency, rewards, and consequences did the trick concerning extreme explosions and meltdowns. On the contrary, they may have made things worse. 

When that happens, parents may be told that it's because they weren't consistent enough. If they were, the behavior would have improved. They might be asked for a detailed account of recent routine. That one time that the child went to bed 20 minutes late? It sent a message of inconsistency and undid all of the other consistency. 

So this time, they might be sent away with instructions to be unfailingly consistent. When they continue to report no improvement, they might get labeled as resistent. Practitioners may become frustrated with the parents, not to mention the parents' frustration with a practitioner who doesn't hear them. 

The next part of this article is now available! Scroll down to continue reading. As always, let me know what you think!

Family

Why we should stop blaming "inconsistent parenting" for those epic meltdowns

Part 2

When we think of inconsistent parenting, we usually think of not following through on appropriate consequences. Sometimes you react, and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you take away the kid's computer or phone when they ignore the rules, sometimes you don't. According to the theory, when you don't follow through, bad behavior gets rewarded. The kid learns that if they throw a fit, they'll get what they want. At least, that's the theory.

Intuitively, inconsistent discipline never seemed like enough to me. Screaming, hitting, biting, rolling around on the floor? Is extra candy or screen time worth it? That doesn't seem like much of a reward to me, personally. Still, when I've seen kids have full-on meltdowns, I can tell that they're in fight or flight mode. It looks like how you'd imagine someone if they were fighting their very life. I've never seen a meltdown or tantrum where the kid looks like they're rationally calculating the odds that their screaming and yelling will make mom or dad cave. I can see that these kids are genuinely upset.

So this idea that explosive behavior is caused by parents giving in to their kids – where does it come from? I recently started wondering about where the belief originated, so I looked to the research.

The studies that first linked inconsistent parenting and behavior problems were by Patterson in 1976 and 1982. In them, he defined “inconsistent parenting” as inconsistent discipline. Specifically, he studied when mothers gave in to their children's tantrums. An example would be if mom says no when their child asks for more candy. Child has a tantrum and mom gives in. Repeated enough times, and you get a child with explosive behavior.

(Studies in the 70's and 80's looked at mothers and children. They didn't look at fathers, and certainly not same sex couples. Historically, they study mothers in straight couples. I imagine that, practically speaking, it made sense. They're more common, and women spend many more hours per week on child care. Sadly, this focus has given us a skewed perspective on the family, one where fathers are expendable. More recent studies look at both parents in straight couples, allowing us to see just how important an emotional connection with dad is. I imagine that it will take several more years to have the same data on same sex parents.)

But within a number of years, other research by Wahler and Dumas in 1986 showed that there was very little evidence that 1) mothers of kids with conduct disorder were giving in, or 2) that their kids were being rewarded for bad behavior. Instead, they started to see the links between behavior problems and social context, things that a behavior chart, with rewards and consequences, won't help.

In recent years, research has started to look at behavior problems with a much wider lens. A meta-analysis by Lin, et al 2022 looked at socioeconomic factors, problems between parents, problems between parents and children, and individual factors. There is now research on how a child's personality and behavior impacts the parents' relationship, for example. Historically, therapists and researchers considered the impact of the parents' issues on the child. There now is more recognition of the impact on parents of caring for a child who is really struggling.

Regarding parenting, researchers look at more aspects of parenting beyond discipline and negative cycles of interaction. Luxton created a questionnaire that measures many parenting behaviors like care, supportiveness, and over-protection. Other researchers look at things like marital discord, parents' mental health, positive interactions with parents, and play. New consideration is being given to the protective aspects of care and connection, and how this mitigates behavior problems.

Next time I'll delve more into the other things – beyond parenting - that can contribute to meltdowns. For now, tell me what you think.

Here are some of the articles I used for this piece.

  • Gardner, F. (2004). Inconsistent parenting: Is there evidence for a link with children's conduct problems?. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 17(2), 223-233.
  • Pederson, C., & Fite, P. (2014). The Impact of Parenting on the Associations Between Child Aggression Subtypes and Oppositional Defiant Disorder Symptoms. Child Psychiatry and Human Development, 45(6), 728-735.
  • Luxton, David. (2007). The Effects of Inconsistent Parenting on the Development of Uncertain Self-Esteem and Depression Vulnerability.
  • Lin X, He T, Heath M, Chi P, Hinshaw S. A Systematic Review of Multiple Family Factors Associated with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2022 Aug 31;19(17):10866. doi: 10.3390/ijerph191710866. PMID: 36078582; PMCID: PMC9517877.
  • Patterson, G. R. (1982). Coercive family process. Eugene, OR: Castalia. *
  • Wahler RG, Dumas JE. Maintenance factors in coercive mother-child interactions: the compliance and predictability hypotheses. J Appl Behav Anal. 1986 Spring;19(1):13-22. doi: 10.1901/jaba.1986.19-13. PMID: 3710944; PMCID: PMC1308037.

Family

Beyond Behaviors: An innovative approach to challenging behavior

Here is a link to a presentation I recently gave on #BeyondBehaviors. We now understand so much about how the brain and body work together to respond to safety vs danger. From my perspective, this approach to challenging behavior from Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. is the most aligned with this understanding.

Individual

Dissociation

As our understanding of trauma grows by leaps and bounds, so does our understanding that trauma manifests in many ways. Here, Janina Fisher shows how and why trauma can mimic personality disorders. And perhaps “mimic” isn’t the best word to describe what’s happening. What if personality disorders result from trauma to the attachment system? #trauma #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #healingfromcomplextraumaandcptsd

Individual

Sitting with suffering vs. the trap of problem-solving

Think about the most recent time that someone came to you with a problem. Maybe it was your child, partner, or friend. Did you respond with something along the lines of "maybe you should do " or "have you tried "; Did the person smile and thank you? Or did they become quiet and stop talking? Or maybe they argued with you that their problem was much more serious than you realized and there was no way your solution would work.
You might have been on the receiving end of this scenario at times. Perhaps you just needed to vent but the person you were speaking to tried to solve your problem. Instead of feeling lighter, you ended up feeling unheard and invalidated. Problem-solving, if jumped to too quickly, can actually have the opposite of our intended effect. Why do we do this? How can we avoid doing it to our friends and family?
It's difficult to hear that a friend or family member is suffering. This is especially true when it comes to our children. The vast majority of parents have a strong desire to see their children be happy. We may even want to rescue them from the situation. In some cases, if we could only take on their burden, we'd do it. This overlooks, however, the resilience and resources of our child or loved one. While they might need our help, they first need to been seen and heard.
This means sitting with them through their suffering, rather than trying to make them feel better. Notice your own feelings. Maybe you feel anxious or angry on their behalf, which might make it harder to simply sit with them. Just notice these feelings, then turn your attention to the other person. Be curious. Ask questions. Look them in the eye. It's very possible that once the person feels validated, that they will naturally begin to consider possible resolutions to their issue.
What do you think? Would you be able to try this next time the situation arises?

Family

Challenges of Isolation during the Coronavirus Pandemic

Uncertainty about the future, anxiety about our well being and our loved ones' health, kids going stir-crazy and acting out, more stress on your relationship with your partner

  • if you are struggling with anything during isolation, reaching out and talking can help lighten the load. Please contact me if you think I can help.
  • PAGE 1 OF 1

    Aimee Cote Therapy

    Finding Balance in your relationships
    Family

    Why we should stop blaming "inconsistent parenting" for those epic meltdowns

    Many psychologists and parenting experts point to inconsistent parenting as the cause of kids' explosive behavior. I'm talking about major explosions that may include violence toward parents, siblings, or even the self. It's behavior that can eventually result in a diagnosis of oppositional defiance disorder (ODD is really problematic as a diagnosis, but I'll discuss that later). 

     Regarding the explosions, practitioners may confidently declare parents - especially the parent in front of them, usually mom - to be The Cause. The solution is to be "more consistent", regardless of the circumstances parents may find themselves in. The parenting plan probably entails defining rules and expectations, along with rewards and consequences, and enforcing them at all times. Sounds reaonable, right? 

    Except that often this approach doesn't work. In fact, I haven't spoken to a single parent who has reported that consistency, rewards, and consequences did the trick concerning extreme explosions and meltdowns. On the contrary, they may have made things worse. 

    When that happens, parents may be told that it's because they weren't consistent enough. If they were, the behavior would have improved. They might be asked for a detailed account of recent routine. That one time that the child went to bed 20 minutes late? It sent a message of inconsistency and undid all of the other consistency. 

    So this time, they might be sent away with instructions to be unfailingly consistent. When they continue to report no improvement, they might get labeled as resistent. Practitioners may become frustrated with the parents, not to mention the parents' frustration with a practitioner who doesn't hear them. 

    The next part of this article is now available! Scroll down to continue reading. As always, let me know what you think!

    Family

    Why we should stop blaming "inconsistent parenting" for those epic meltdowns

    Part 2

    When we think of inconsistent parenting, we usually think of not following through on appropriate consequences. Sometimes you react, and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you take away the kid's computer or phone when they ignore the rules, sometimes you don't. According to the theory, when you don't follow through, bad behavior gets rewarded. The kid learns that if they throw a fit, they'll get what they want. At least, that's the theory.

    Intuitively, inconsistent discipline never seemed like enough to me. Screaming, hitting, biting, rolling around on the floor? Is extra candy or screen time worth it? That doesn't seem like much of a reward to me, personally. Still, when I've seen kids have full-on meltdowns, I can tell that they're in fight or flight mode. It looks like how you'd imagine someone if they were fighting their very life. I've never seen a meltdown or tantrum where the kid looks like they're rationally calculating the odds that their screaming and yelling will make mom or dad cave. I can see that these kids are genuinely upset.

    So this idea that explosive behavior is caused by parents giving in to their kids – where does it come from? I recently started wondering about where the belief originated, so I looked to the research.

    The studies that first linked inconsistent parenting and behavior problems were by Patterson in 1976 and 1982. In them, he defined “inconsistent parenting” as inconsistent discipline. Specifically, he studied when mothers gave in to their children's tantrums. An example would be if mom says no when their child asks for more candy. Child has a tantrum and mom gives in. Repeated enough times, and you get a child with explosive behavior.

    (Studies in the 70's and 80's looked at mothers and children. They didn't look at fathers, and certainly not same sex couples. Historically, they study mothers in straight couples. I imagine that, practically speaking, it made sense. They're more common, and women spend many more hours per week on child care. Sadly, this focus has given us a skewed perspective on the family, one where fathers are expendable. More recent studies look at both parents in straight couples, allowing us to see just how important an emotional connection with dad is. I imagine that it will take several more years to have the same data on same sex parents.)

    But within a number of years, other research by Wahler and Dumas in 1986 showed that there was very little evidence that 1) mothers of kids with conduct disorder were giving in, or 2) that their kids were being rewarded for bad behavior. Instead, they started to see the links between behavior problems and social context, things that a behavior chart, with rewards and consequences, won't help.

    In recent years, research has started to look at behavior problems with a much wider lens. A meta-analysis by Lin, et al 2022 looked at socioeconomic factors, problems between parents, problems between parents and children, and individual factors. There is now research on how a child's personality and behavior impacts the parents' relationship, for example. Historically, therapists and researchers considered the impact of the parents' issues on the child. There now is more recognition of the impact on parents of caring for a child who is really struggling.

    Regarding parenting, researchers look at more aspects of parenting beyond discipline and negative cycles of interaction. Luxton created a questionnaire that measures many parenting behaviors like care, supportiveness, and over-protection. Other researchers look at things like marital discord, parents' mental health, positive interactions with parents, and play. New consideration is being given to the protective aspects of care and connection, and how this mitigates behavior problems.

    Next time I'll delve more into the other things – beyond parenting - that can contribute to meltdowns. For now, tell me what you think.

    Here are some of the articles I used for this piece.

    • Gardner, F. (2004). Inconsistent parenting: Is there evidence for a link with children's conduct problems?. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 17(2), 223-233.
    • Pederson, C., & Fite, P. (2014). The Impact of Parenting on the Associations Between Child Aggression Subtypes and Oppositional Defiant Disorder Symptoms. Child Psychiatry and Human Development, 45(6), 728-735.
    • Luxton, David. (2007). The Effects of Inconsistent Parenting on the Development of Uncertain Self-Esteem and Depression Vulnerability.
    • Lin X, He T, Heath M, Chi P, Hinshaw S. A Systematic Review of Multiple Family Factors Associated with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2022 Aug 31;19(17):10866. doi: 10.3390/ijerph191710866. PMID: 36078582; PMCID: PMC9517877.
    • Patterson, G. R. (1982). Coercive family process. Eugene, OR: Castalia. *
    • Wahler RG, Dumas JE. Maintenance factors in coercive mother-child interactions: the compliance and predictability hypotheses. J Appl Behav Anal. 1986 Spring;19(1):13-22. doi: 10.1901/jaba.1986.19-13. PMID: 3710944; PMCID: PMC1308037.

    Family

    Beyond Behaviors: An innovative approach to challenging behavior

    Here is a link to a presentation I recently gave on #BeyondBehaviors. We now understand so much about how the brain and body work together to respond to safety vs danger. From my perspective, this approach to challenging behavior from Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. is the most aligned with this understanding.

    Individual

    Dissociation

    As our understanding of trauma grows by leaps and bounds, so does our understanding that trauma manifests in many ways. Here, Janina Fisher shows how and why trauma can mimic personality disorders. And perhaps “mimic” isn’t the best word to describe what’s happening. What if personality disorders result from trauma to the attachment system? #trauma #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #healingfromcomplextraumaandcptsd

    Individual

    Sitting with suffering vs. the trap of problem-solving

    Think about the most recent time that someone came to you with a problem. Maybe it was your child, partner, or friend. Did you respond with something along the lines of "maybe you should do " or "have you tried "; Did the person smile and thank you? Or did they become quiet and stop talking? Or maybe they argued with you that their problem was much more serious than you realized and there was no way your solution would work.
    You might have been on the receiving end of this scenario at times. Perhaps you just needed to vent but the person you were speaking to tried to solve your problem. Instead of feeling lighter, you ended up feeling unheard and invalidated. Problem-solving, if jumped to too quickly, can actually have the opposite of our intended effect. Why do we do this? How can we avoid doing it to our friends and family?
    It's difficult to hear that a friend or family member is suffering. This is especially true when it comes to our children. The vast majority of parents have a strong desire to see their children be happy. We may even want to rescue them from the situation. In some cases, if we could only take on their burden, we'd do it. This overlooks, however, the resilience and resources of our child or loved one. While they might need our help, they first need to been seen and heard.
    This means sitting with them through their suffering, rather than trying to make them feel better. Notice your own feelings. Maybe you feel anxious or angry on their behalf, which might make it harder to simply sit with them. Just notice these feelings, then turn your attention to the other person. Be curious. Ask questions. Look them in the eye. It's very possible that once the person feels validated, that they will naturally begin to consider possible resolutions to their issue.
    What do you think? Would you be able to try this next time the situation arises?

    Family

    Challenges of Isolation during the Coronavirus Pandemic

    Uncertainty about the future, anxiety about our well being and our loved ones' health, kids going stir-crazy and acting out, more stress on your relationship with your partner

  • if you are struggling with anything during isolation, reaching out and talking can help lighten the load. Please contact me if you think I can help.
  • PAGE 1 OF 1