Sitting with suffering vs. the trap of problem-solving
Aimee Cote · Individual
Think about the most recent time that someone came to you with a problem. Maybe it was your child, partner, or friend. Did you respond with something along the lines of "maybe you should do " or "have you tried "; Did the person smile and thank you? Or did they become quiet and stop talking? Or maybe they argued with you that their problem was much more serious than you realized and there was no way your solution would work.
You might have been on the receiving end of this scenario at times. Perhaps you just needed to vent but the person you were speaking to tried to solve your problem. Instead of feeling lighter, you ended up feeling unheard and invalidated. Problem-solving, if jumped to too quickly, can actually have the opposite of our intended effect. Why do we do this? How can we avoid doing it to our friends and family?
It's difficult to hear that a friend or family member is suffering. This is especially true when it comes to our children. The vast majority of parents have a strong desire to see their children be happy. We may even want to rescue them from the situation. In some cases, if we could only take on their burden, we'd do it. This overlooks, however, the resilience and resources of our child or loved one. While they might need our help, they first need to been seen and heard.
This means sitting with them through their suffering, rather than trying to make them feel better. Notice your own feelings. Maybe you feel anxious or angry on their behalf, which might make it harder to simply sit with them. Just notice these feelings, then turn your attention to the other person. Be curious. Ask questions. Look them in the eye. It's very possible that once the person feels validated, that they will naturally begin to consider possible resolutions to their issue.
What do you think? Would you be able to try this next time the situation arises?
You might have been on the receiving end of this scenario at times. Perhaps you just needed to vent but the person you were speaking to tried to solve your problem. Instead of feeling lighter, you ended up feeling unheard and invalidated. Problem-solving, if jumped to too quickly, can actually have the opposite of our intended effect. Why do we do this? How can we avoid doing it to our friends and family?
It's difficult to hear that a friend or family member is suffering. This is especially true when it comes to our children. The vast majority of parents have a strong desire to see their children be happy. We may even want to rescue them from the situation. In some cases, if we could only take on their burden, we'd do it. This overlooks, however, the resilience and resources of our child or loved one. While they might need our help, they first need to been seen and heard.
This means sitting with them through their suffering, rather than trying to make them feel better. Notice your own feelings. Maybe you feel anxious or angry on their behalf, which might make it harder to simply sit with them. Just notice these feelings, then turn your attention to the other person. Be curious. Ask questions. Look them in the eye. It's very possible that once the person feels validated, that they will naturally begin to consider possible resolutions to their issue.
What do you think? Would you be able to try this next time the situation arises?